do you ever think you’re special to someone but then you see this person acting the same with everyone else and you just kind of 

oh

alright

i ate a whole pizza

we coo

you have taught us peril in the present,

and you will bring us peril in our surely soon will be. 

unless...

the river's not flooded this time. 

i do not need this to happen, i am not resigned to this. 

my dear i hear your voice in mine

i've been alone here

i've been alone here

i've been afraid my dear 

i've been at home here

i've been at home here

you better wait for years, you better wait for years 

i breathe your name into the air,

i etched your name into me

i felt my anger swelling

i swam it to its sea

i held your name inside my heart but it got buried in my fear 

it tore the wiring of my brain, i did my best to keep it clear

so dear no matter how we part,

i hold you sweetly in my head. 

and if i do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead. 

if i can't love you as a lover, i will love you as a friend.

i will lay a bed before you, keep you safe until the end. 

fuck this is NOT happening 

no no no no please don't get mad at me for pointing out the fact that you always treat me like i'm dumb. don't snap because i'm trying to tell you a thing that's bothering me. and yeah, we do a lot together but it's so hard to call you my friend when you've never had any regards for my feelings. 

I didn't want to smoke today. I didn't think we'd have time to cut it. Five hours? No, that wouldn't be enough time. They'd smell it on me. My aunt would call while I was slammed and she'd catch me. 

I told him all that and that I was gonna cough and embarrass myself. He pulled into a funeral home parking lot, between two other vehicles. He rolled up the windows. I refused to smoke. I told him he could but I wouldn't. I didn't want to, I wanted to be responsible, but then he said, "C'mon, please?" And I, put on the spot, said, "Fine..." He said it was called AK. I'd looked it up earlier and it was a decent mix of indica and satvia. 

Then he suddenly seemed real mad and said he didn't have a lighter. Lucky me, I happened to have three. I gave him the big green bic and said he could keep it, I had more. He said, "Hot dog, Desti-chu, thanks."

He asked if I preferred the green hit, and I wanted it but I didn't want to do it first (which defeats the purpose), and told him I didn't care and that I forgot how anyway. He explained it to me like I was five; "You put the piece to your mouth. You hold your finger over the carb. You light the green, and suck in. Then keep finishing the hit after you let go of the carb and take in an extra breath to push it all in." 

"Don't tell it to me like I'm a baby," I said. 

Then I took a simple first hit, and I made him look away. He kept asking if he needed to light it for me and control the carb. I said no. I didn't inhale well enough. It didn't count, I held it in my mouth and it didn't go past my throat. I blew out the smoke regardless and passed him the pipe. 

He took his hit, and I watched, and he looked good while he did it. Pretty fabulous. But I did notice that his smoke wasn't too thick or milky. He wasn't taking huge hits like she had. 

He passed me the pipe and lighter after not too long. 

I took my second hit, this time better this time, and followed with a quick breath of fresh air. Then I held it in and sighed it all out though my nose. A billow of white smoke and then a little swirly shit following. That was when I passed it to him, he looked and saw all the smoke, and said, "Daaaang, Desti-chu," and was laughing at how he didn't believe how big my hit was and how I handled it so well. I had to cough a little and was embarrassed but I couldn't hold it in. 

He took the pipe back and I was still coughing occasionally, little baby coughs.  He kept asking if I was okay. I said sure.

He took his hit and passed it back. The bowl was almost cashed, but there seemed to be some good green underneath the char. I didn't know, I hadn't smoked a lot. I started burning the other side, the side that was farther away than my convenience, and watched the smoke fill the pipe as I inhaled. I thought this was a lot of smoke in there, I was worried slightly. Then I let go of the carb to clear the chamber and inhaled all that was left. I forced it in further and that is when I started to regret it. 

Immediately I began choking. It kept getting worse. He freaked out, put a hand on my shoulder and made sure I was okay. I almost puked. You could hear it. He could hear it, too. It bubbled in my throat. I kept it down but couldn't stop coughing. He got a brown paper sack and put it beside me with a water bottle and said he promised he wouldn't look if I needed to use the bag. It was a disaster. So embarrassing. I kept coughing, I felt miserable, this was the worst--

But wait. As I stared ahead and tried to set myself straight, I noticed the light through the bamboo trees in front of us was golden and sparkling. They kept moving ever so beautifully. I turned my head to look around and saw the reflection of papers in the window. I was confused as to why they were so distinct and why they were moving along with my vision. It was like, when you rub your eyes too hard and then you see weird sparkles and bright lights. I couldn't say anything, I had a lot of things that I wanted to say but I couldn't get it out. I was baffled. He kept saying things and I kept telling him I understood. But I didn't. 

I remember, in a haze, him driving out of the parking lot. Everything was moving in frames. Slow frames. It was like I was in a flip book animation. The sounds were consistent but I still didn't really understand what he was saying. He kept throwing out stoner party etiquette points while I was lost in looking out the window and. I listened but couldn't put two and two together. "I understand," I said. He didn't realize that I was so not there. 

Then we were suddenly at Sonic, and we pulled into the thing and I remember him asking what I wanted, and I looked straight ahead at the sign in front of us (it was an ad for 'expertly mixed drinks') and I told him I wanted an "expertly mixed drink." 

"Watermelon?" He asked.

I nodded blankly. My cottonmouth was kicking in horribly. It was a real long time before they brought our food. Some french fries with a crap ton of honey mustard, his bacon chocolate shake, and my watermelon slush. He made me try his even though I kept saying it sounded gross. And it was decent. I let him try my slush and he loved it. Well I did too. It was juicy and the flavor exploded in my mouth and it was great. He and I split the fries and they were yummy - but they didn't compare to the slushie. 

We were eating, then he got a phone call. He answered it and when he got off he kept apologizing and said he had to go into work. Naturally I was freaking out, I was high as fuck and certainly couldn't go home right now. So he said I could hang at his work in the front with the other guy. And I love the other guy so I was chill with that. I don't remember the drive there but I remember spraying myself down with perfume before we walked in. I went in and said hi to gay boy at the counter, he could tell I was really stoned. "I knew what you guys were doing as soon as you dropped me off," he said. I couldn't concentrate. 

Then she came in and was talking to me and said she was happy I was here and I hugged her. I kept trying to communicate with her, I don't remember what we had said but I know I couldn't get out a lot of words. She went back inside and then the asian came out and was talking to me. By then I was sitting on the bench inside and so we talked, my slush was half gone. They all had to go back to work and strangers were talking to me. I had to keep myself controlled and did a decent job of it while talking to them, but my eyes were fairly bloodshot, and droopy. I was slow to respond. 

The munchies were kicking in again, and I looked at the menu and the first thing that drew my attention was fried pickles. I asked her if I could buy some and she said she could just give them to me, I didn't have to pay. It wasn't too long until she brought them out to me. I'd forgotten they were even coming in the first place. She gave them to me but I couldn't figure out how to hold it all and so gay boy and I went outside and sat at a table and I was eating them and he was playing on his phone. 

Asian came out not long after, and was clocking out for her break. Gay boy already had. So we were all sitting there and chilling, she came out not long after as well and we were talking about her past two days and how they sucked because of her grandparents. 

Everything was pretty decent now, I felt fine, just extraordinarily tired and drained. We chilled in the smoking area with everyone that was off currently and were waiting for him to come out. I had gay boy run and check up and see when he was clocking out, and he turned out to be doing that now. Gay boy brought out my stuff. I said g'bye to all of the others and hugged her and petted the asian's hair, and then he took me into his truck. 

He kept apologizing and said he was sorry our day of fun got ruined by work and I said it was no problem, I still had fun with him. We went and picked up $200 out of the ATM, he was about to go pick up some more pot from a source that Salma had. 

He dropped me off at home first, and I went straight to my room and had the best nap I'd ever had. 

I’M ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE PERSON IM JUST USED TO BEING WALKED ALL OVER AND DISRESPECTED SO SOMETIMES I COME OFF AS MEAN BUT I JUST CANT LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND I HAD TO GROW UP REALLY FAST OK BUT I PROMISE I HAVE A GOOD HEART AND GOOD INTENTIONS AND I DONT WANT TO EVER HURT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS BUT SOMETIMES I JSUT HAVE TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND AND MAKE SURE I DONT GET HURT IM SORR YI LOVE EVERYONE

imagine living like a king someday,

a single night without a ghost in the walls. 

have you ever loved a lyric so much that when you hear it feels like your heart is trying to burst out of your body

my original plan was to pass her and get her attention and say "fuck you." i planned exactly how it'd go and the tone i'd say it in. 

i couldn't follow through, i had to be the bigger person. 

(November 10, 2013)

There were several of us sat in a circle in a body of water. I didn't like most of the people in the circle and I was keeping to myself, on my laptop or something. Then Meagan's boyfriend comes around to each of us, me first, and puts his face close to mine and touches his cheek to mine. Then he does it to the other people. Meagan is last. When he gets to Meagan, he kisses her, and they kiss wildly and don't stop for a long time. I am disgusted and look at my laptop - I'm on facebook and she had just posted a status that describes the wonders of being kissed, something about spit. Then it says something about how he showed her what it was like to be kissed for the first time and all I could think was, "What about me? What was I good for?"

late update: she was there. i saw her. we hugged and giggled. by the way, i got a gram of og kush. saturday night should be fun. 

(October 30, 2013)

Taylor and I were taking some shrooms together. I gave him two stems and I had a stem and a cap. I was stumbling around the newspaper room and talking to Sebastian, then all of newspaper had to take a trip and I got to ride with Eric. 

(October 28, 2013)

The teacher was making us fill out a paper saying the things we've done. They said all different kinds of things, like smoking and doing drugs and blazing it. We were outside and there was a chart drawn in the grass and it was night. Some kids were smoking in the smoking section and the teachers were letting them. I went to a totally different section and was smoking a cigarette and Sarah asked if I had another and I said no, they all had weed in them. She was disappointed but kept asking questions about weed. She let me borrow a lighter. I got up and went over to my vehicle but then came back when I realized I did have another cigarette that Marieta gave me and I went and took it to Sarah. 

The teacher came by a little later and I was sitting in the grass smoking my cigarette and she asked if the kids in the grass under a tree were doing drugs and I said I didn't know, and she went around being hitler and kept telling people to stop sung the wifi for personal purposes and looked suspiciously at my phone and told me shame shame. 

(October 7, 2013)

There was a street I was exploring and it was infamously known for its drug use. I saw a guy, nerdy looking, carrying a tray full of something, he dropped a lot on the ground but kept walking, they were pills. Probably ecstasy. I waited for him to leave then picked them up. They were green peace signs. Haley Richardson was pregnant again and we were in school together. She was very pregnant, about to pop. We had a school assignment where half of us had to go outside and half of us stayed in and did nothing. Haley got to go outside and I was stuck inside. I could see them all through the window and I sat and played around on my iPod. I went outside and I found Vic and Halley and they kept calling me Armin and stuff. We were basically just hanging out in the sun, I called Dad and told him I was going to Fuzzy's after school. He said it was fine. I was at lunch with Danika and everyone, and I looked at Danika and asked if my pupils were dilated, she said yes. Next class was art and I asked Aaron the same thing and he said yes and I said it was because I was sooo high last period. I asked him if he wanted to see what on, and he said yeah, and I pulled out a crap ton of change from my pocket and he was looking at it and playing with it. He asked if he could keep a certain quarter and I said yeah and pulled out my bag which had about 8 pills and some weed in it and I wanted to show him but didn't get a chance because the teacher kept looking. Time skip, I was walking to Fuzzy's after school, the parking lots were empty. Fuzzy's was in an awkward place, in a shape like Hot Topic, and we went in and if you spent a certain amount of money you could get a free drink the next morning. Samantha bought something so that she could get a Monster, and I didn't buy anything. As I exited, Marieta picked me up in her car, and suddenly we were at this convention. It was a gay-straight alliance convention, and Marieta and I paid for registration and I had signed the alliance board as Armin, the rule was that you had to have someone unrelated that you knew so that you wouldn't get lost and you could call them. I asked Marieta to be mine in line and she said sure. Red was in front of me, she asked if I could get her bong going and I said sure and blew into it and it magically fixed it for her. I gave it back, she seemed impressed. I went to call Dad to see if I could stay and I was excited for the rave and I walked back to Marieta but on the way I saw him and so I crept over to surprise him and he saw me and was really angry suddenly. He started yelling and dragging me out by the arm and said that I couldn't go, even though I told him I had just spent $55 on registration. He didn't care, he kept saying he was tired of people being gay, and kept trying to get me into the car. I said I was going to run away, and I shouted at Marieta to take my stuff when I brought it to her, and I kept trying to run to the car before Dad so that I could get my stuff but I couldn't run fast for some reason, I was in slippers, too. I eventually got there before him and pulled out my wolf hat, my iPod, and my jacket. I started handing them all to her and she reached for them but Dad started moving the car and I didn't have time to get out so I kept my things and I was stuck with him. 

(October 2, 2013)

I was in Dad's room talking to him and Charity was in there as well. I was talking for a long time and we were supposed to be going home soon. I had marijuana, ecstasy, and shrooms in my hand and I ingested them all at once while they watched. We were talking and I said on the way out of the room that I believed non-addictive drugs were great and that meth and coke were bad. They didn't seem bothered. We were on our way home in the car, Charity was driving us and she asked if we'd like to go get a snack, the weed was kicking in and I was hungry so I said yes. I remembered I had $10 in my pocket. I was afraid that aunt Amie would catch me high and so I was looking through my phone at the people I had in, seeing if I could stay the night at someone's house. I wondered why Meagan didn't text me back. We stopped in a big office building and I and a friend were talking to a photographer guy. He said he was in charge of a yearbook and I told him I was in a newspaper class and took pictures for yearbook too, he said he needed pictures of people in grades less than 11 so could he have a picture of us? I looked at my friend and laughed and told the guy we were actually both seniors. We went in the office building and I was looking through the cabinet and I found a bag of wasabi peas and I said that they looked really good, that everything looked good, and I was starting to feel really mellow. I was going to sit by my sister in a rolling chair and she told me to go away and I did, after saying sorry, and I was sitting and talking to Aunt Amie and I looked at her with wide eyes and said, "Samantha just told that boy she was 18." She was talking to Cory. 

(September ?, 2013)

I was running a babysitting service and we had a drive through window that you handed your child through. Cousin Jessica handed her baby girl through it and I accidentally bumped the baby's head and apologized endlessly and Jessica said it was okay but looked pained and worried. Later on after we left, I was tending to Jessica's baby, and it was tiny and shriveled, like a bitty abortion. It had a little hat on and I was wrapping it in a tiny blanket and preparing to give it a bottle. 

(September 26, 2013)

I was at Fuzzy's, and I just popped an ecstasy pill, and it kicked in fast and I was rolling balls with huge pupils. I was freaking out cuz I was gonna get picked up soon. I think I remember taking a red car-shaped pill later on with my family, I was trying to tell them that those were bunk and had meth in them, because I had heard the Maseratis  were bunk and had meth in them but they took them fast and I did too, and I didn't feel anything for a long while and then I felt crazy. 

(September 22, 2013)

There was a black leather couch beside me. It was empty besides some cushions. Next thing I know Jordan Dreyer comes in and he is standing in front of the table and starts reciting "Fall Down, Never Get Back Up." I say the words along with him at first, my friends are all around and paying attention, but they don't say anything probably because they don't know it. I look back at them and realize I'm the only one besides Jordan talking, and then I stop and look at him as he finishes up. I look back at my friends and Jordan is laying across the couch that was empty, and he is now Christofer Drew, and I look at him after a while and I smile and get my iPod on camera and point it at him and say, "Hey, Chris." He looks at me. "Smile." He does, and I get two good pictures, and then I thank him and look at them and eventually we start up talking again. I think he was the one to start to talk to me, but all I remember is asking him if he liked anime and he said no, then I asked about scary movies and he said they were okay. I remember I was looking around and there was a cob-webbed shelf full of manga, and I said, "You sure do have a lot of manga for someone who doesn't read it." He seemed embarrassed and said yeah, then I saw Aaron on a hover board over all of the shelves, and I pointed it out and then Aaron was easing down and he started walking with it, except his feet weren't touching the ground. Christofer and I return to our place from before and it is Walmart still but there is the couch and table. I sit on my knees on the floor and Christofer on the couch. He leans and blows a raspberry on my forehead and I giggle and I lean and do the same on his cheek. He does it back and then I lean to do it on his lips but he backs away quickly and makes a face. I look embarrassed. "I-I was going to do it on your nose--" 

He leans forwards and blows a raspberry on my lips, I blush, then he backs away and grins. 

Later on we are walking together, the sky is purple and orange and blue and pretty. We're walking off past houses and on the street and we are talking, he says that he wants to escape this town and leave it all behind. I look at him and say, "But Chris, I am in this town." He doesn't much seem to care but remains quiet.

(September 15, 2013)

I was on Facebook on my iPod, I was in a room with wifi. I was talking to a guy and asking if he knew where I could find any ecstasy, and he started asking how much I wanted and telling me about his experience on ecstasy currently. I said I wanted two doses at about 120 mg of MDMA each, he told me good luck basically but didn't say where to get it. I end up in an apartment building. I knock on the door of the apartment and I'm invited in, Dad is there, and his friends, and that's all I remember before waking up in my dream. I knew I had taken ecstasy but I wasn't sure of how much. I was freaking out, me and Samantha were walking down stairs, I asked her how much I'd taken, she said two. I freaked out more and told her that I didn't want to die, I only wanted to roll, and she turned into Sarah when I looked back at her. Sarah seemed indifferent. But then Uncle Jessie's dad was walking beside us, on the other side of the railing, and he said something and I felt really happy and I was laughing. Not too long later, I ran into the same guy that answered the door earlier and he must have given me 50 or so pills, which I put in my backpack. They were multicolored and has an S logo on them, like skittles. I was really happy and I texted Amelia and told her that "I GOT THE EX" all excited. She hadn't texted back. I started walking outside with my backpack on and ran into some smaller kids at the playground and Samantha. I took her with me and we went and found Dad, he was still rolling, with Matt Moyer. He left a mattress and violin on the side of the road, I was horrified because I knew they had ecstasy all in them. I caught up to him back at the apartment and he said we weren't doing this again and took my backpack away and said he'd thrown away all of my pills. I was horrified and texted Amelia and was sad until later on Samantha came in and told me she found my ecstasy and she led me out and it was all scattered on the ground. I thanked her a lot and gathered them back into the backpack and wore it and she took me back inside. She said I'd better wash them because they were on the bathroom floor. I said sure even though I didn't plan on it. 

--

Grandma Rose and three others were on a big white balcony in white chairs like rulers, onlooking a valley of trees and small houses with a big house in back of them. There where blacks in cuffs, all looking up at them longingly, there was an announcement it was 2031 or something of the sort. Nothing seemed to have made a technological advance. My grandma asked me to get her her phone and I found it on the side of the balcony, plugged in, it was the same old phone, I gave it to her. 

(September 8, 2013)

A few of my friends and I were sitting outside on top of a roof at night. There wasn't much of a view, I just remember the edges of the roof and the sky surrounding us. I was sitting behind Samantha criss-cross applesauce and she had her back to me. My other friends were gathered around. Tim and this one other guy get up to leave, and Tim turns around and asks if he could get us something, he meant pot or something because he'd gotten some for us earlier. I said yeah, loud, and everyone turned to look at me in shock. I motioned Tim over and he came, and he leaned down as I whispered something about ecstasy. 

(September 7, 2013)

I was crying because my grandma's house had burned down and I lived with her - before, it was a shabby little house and in the shape of an L. I remember kneeling in the burnt rubble and crying while Meagan awkwardly stood patting me on the shoulder.

(August 20, 2013)

I flash into a scene where we're all in a bulky blue van which is more like a bus. I'm in the front seat, someone I don't know is driving, there is lots of smoke, and probably a lot of high people in the back. My feet are propped up on the dash and I'm playing with a piece of paper in my hands, then grenades start flying in, and everyone starts screaming and I look behind us and there appears to be a crazy man in a vehicle behind us throwing these things in. Everyone freaks out at first, but then when nothing else happens everyone calms down. Pieces of paper were thrown in and stuck to the ceiling and gave us fun things to do, like touch our noses with our tongues, and I tried some of them. After a while I looked down and a grenade by my feet was turning red. I realized if it was going to explode I would need to move with my legs propped up in the seat and a pillow by my butt and hunched over my knees if I wanted to be safe. However, it kept flashing red, and so I got afraid and I opened my door and rolled out. I watched the man speed after my friends in the van, and he watched me, and I was very afraid, and I ran to the nearest place. I ran in and it was several rooms of odd monsters or aliens in each their own room and I passed through a lot of them. Flash to a scene where I come home, I have three slices of lunch meat in my hands and I plop it down on the table in front of Samantha. She's confused and somehow I explain to her that the place I went to when I rolled out of the car was a lab, and they were experimenting feeding children in a form of gas food, and of was working perfectly.

(August 13, 2013)

(This is a really special dream to me, a recurring dream about the secret bar. Every dream I have about this makes me feel very... home.)

I went to the familiar secret bar that I usually go to. It was surrounded in a concrete field of nothingness, there was a small shop in the same building as it though it appeared to be closed. However, this time there was a swimming pool in front. I walked in like a pro, and noticed it was particularly packed today, and almost went to my usual seat but realized there were people there, so I instead choose a seat at the bar. The bartender is busy, I'm not sure what I'll have but I'll ask her recommendation. Suddenly I hear my name and I turn my head over my shoulder to see who it is, it's Samantha, I ask her what she's doing here and she says she's meeting Jonathan to go swimming there. I say, "Oh," and she responds by saying, with another girl, that I shouldn't wear my hair in a ponytail. I reach to feel my ponytail, it's damp, I say, "But then it'll dry crazy!" 

(July 15, 2013)

Halley was using my element water to tell me more about myself in Cascadia. Apparently a lot changed. 

--

Left grandma and grandpa's before Wednesday. 

(June 19, 2013)

Walking across a bridge over a lake or some other body of water. I say to myself ,   "I'm dreaming so it's not going to rain." For a moment everything looks nice  and blue and shiny, but then I lose control over what happens and the sky turns black and it starts raining heavily. Then I am in a big eighteen-wheeler, on the road , and we crash into another. One goes tumbling and rolls off of the street. The one I'm in doesn't. We all meet up in the hospital, which is actually the nurse's office at my school, and it turns out it was John Michael who was driving that other truck. He tells me and whoever was driving ours, "I wiggled my feet. Haven't you ever heard that man? You wiggle your feet and that's the only way to save yourself. I would've died if I didn't wiggle my feet." Then Shelby comes in, and I ask her why she wasn't at home yesterday (apparently she lives with us too), and she says something about her boyfriend and leaves. Then I decide I'm okay so I start walking to class, and I pass Mr. Block by Mrs. Melick's room, and I almost head to painting but them I see Meagan and I ask what period this is. She holds up three fingers and mouths the word 'three' and I say okay. But then I say, "Hey, Mr. Block, I had a lucid dream." And I tell him about it, and he says cool, but I know he can't talk long because he's carrying a big box or something. So I head to animation, and there are five or six ladies like cops trying to make sure everyone has their ID. One looks at me and says, "Halt! Where's your ID?" And I say, "Oh, um, I don't have one..." And she says too bad, I need to go get a detention. 

(June 9, 2013)

Grab Meagan, jump off pier into the lake with her. Holding tight to her. She's afraid. I'm not. We sink a long ways in. I hold my breath but don't feel air deprived. Then with all my might I swim us up back to surface. 

taylor said i could go with him. maybe she'll be there. 

i was just thinking about her and texted her about her ad in the paper. she said she and her mom loved it - i'd sent her a picture of it yesterday. i asked if she's gotten a copy of the newspaper yet, she'd said no, and so i cheerfully told her i'd ask him if i could come along and deliver it to them. note to self: ask taylor BEFORE he leaves. and maybe i won't have to sort out all the papers to put in different boxes. 

Last night was a good experience. I smoked for the first time. Pot. 

It must have been around 3:15 AM when she finally pulled the teal box out of her pocket. I was shaking, because I knew what was happening. Nervous but excited, I'd never smoked a thing before. I was eager for the high, I had good expectations, I was worried about how it would feel in my throat and lungs and if I would choke and embarrass myself. 

I let her know that I was worried. It was obvious anyway. I was trembling. She was putting a bowl together while I was anticipating my first hit. She took the first and showed me how to do it, I was genuinely confused on what the proper way was but she explained a lot to me. She teased me because I was so nervous after she'd handed me the pipe. I'd taken it from her and was holding it and the lighter shakily in my hand. I had experience with lighters, I used to play with them a lot as a kid, so I knew how to use it. That wasn't a problem. She put the cap on the pipe so it wouldn't spill, I held it in my hands and told her not to look, I was embarrassed. She looked away. 

It was a long time after, and she got tired of waiting. "All right, I'm gonna count to three, and then you're gonna put it in your mouth," She said, and I argued that I didn't have a problem putting it in my mouth, it was the lighting it all that I was-- "And on five you're gonna light it." She interuppted. 

I said okay. And I had it in my mouth on two. Then I was lighting it on four. And I kept lighting until ten or eleven as I breathed it in and I felt it wash down my throat and it burned. It felt good. The taste had a sort of spice to it and it was yummy. We were listening to Molly. I pointed out it was the wrong drug. 

I was worried I didn't breathe it all far enough in and I told her and she said you're not supposed to feel it go into your lungs - it only burned my throat because I'd never smoked, that's all. And she explained to me the chemistry of what happens with your THC receptors in your brain when you smoked - marijuana and humanity had evolved together, she said. I didn't know anything she told me. I didn't do any research on weed before I smoked it the first time. I just expected it to turn out great and it was going well so far. 

I had trouble figuring out how to light it without burning my thumb. I thought I was taking a long deep hit, and I had the fire on it for a while, and I felt fantastic but knew my thumb was burning. The fire enveloped my thumb and the bowl but I liked the taste and didn't want to stop, and when I exhaled there wasn't a lot of smoke, I didn't get a good hit regardless of my thumb burn (which is a killer today). That went on for a few more times. I had forgotten how to light it the right way. I wasn't getting any good ones. 

She took a couple of hits and showed me how to find the sweet spot to light it right. I figured it out after she showed me, I was supposed to move the flame in and out so that the fire had oxygen, she said. I did it good when she wasn't looking, I found the sweet spot and took the biggest hit of the night. Inhale, inhale, inhale, oh it burned so good, hold it, hold it, exhale, smoke billowed out from my mouth, my head rushed afterwards. I choked a lot and it felt good. I felt elated. I felt like my head was as light as a feather and reaching for the sky, I felt like a human hot air balloon. I guess that's why they call it a high. 

I remember she and I were talking, I told her how I felt and she said it was kicking in. I was really confused for a moment, I asked if it was kicking in for her or me? "For you," She said, she was right. It sort of was. I didn't feel much. "You can get a lot higher off of weed. But this isn't the best quality. It's cheap." We talked about how much it cost, she said 120. I remember looking at the clock, it was 4:21 in the morning, I pointed out we just passed 4:20 and she laughed and I laughed and we were listening to music on the Mindless Self Indulgence radio station. I didn't object to any song. I usually don't like Skillet but it sounded good and I liked it last night. Bitches was on. I said I was feeling it. The song, not the weed. "Well, the weed too," I said, and she was feeling all of it too, she said the song was surprisingly fitting for no reason. She asked if I wanted to have the best Cheez-It's I'd ever had in my entire life and I said that I didn't feel like it would do much. We'd already smoked two bowls together but I said I didn't feel too high, only after big hits, so she set another bowl and gave this one mainly to me, I gave her a hit every now and then. I remember the first thing I did was check out the lamest visualizer app I had, I thought it was really stupid when I downloaded it, but after smoking it was lots of fun and hypnotizing. 

I was laughing about how it looked like a wave, and took a screenshot and she and I stared at it and played with it for awhile. Then I started checking out the other apps I had, and found the photo booth one, she'd by this time already brought back some pumpkin treats and we were eating them. We played with the photo booth, and the pictures we took were really bad and in some you can't even tell what it is. 

My eyelids felt very heavy. Couldn't open my eyes wide. 

I thought her phone looked really cool and I kept telling her to put it back in the picture. She happily obliged. 

I think this is her but I can't tell. 

Once again fascinated by the phone. 

Look how happy and cute she is. 

Those were all the pictures we'd taken. They were happy pictures, we were both happy. I remember looking at her as she was laying on her side, she smiled and said it's been a long time since she's laid down and just got really high and that she was having a good time. I told her it had been a long time for me, too, which didn't make sense. We talked about a lot of things. I texted some friends at around 4:15. We stayed up talking and laughing for a long time and ended up smoking another bowl, and rode the high for as long as we could. We went to sleep feeling cosy and happy at around 5 or 5:30. 

My first experience was a good one. I was glad I had it and I hope to do it again soon. I miss the pipe in my mouth and the burn in my throat. I miss the lightheadedness and the dumb droopy eyes. And she said she was proud of me with every big hit I took. I was even more proud of myself. I still feel happy. I'm looking forward to it again. And surprisingly well rested for 6hours of sleep. Wow. 

you butt nugget. 

When I got it I shifted my attention to her. I grinned at her. She looked at me with a cat eyed grin in return. 

you nugget butt,

I replied. 

if you ever call me annoying, even if it’s just jokingly, the chances of me ever speaking to you again are slim to none because I’ll be so afraid that every little word or sound that comes out of my mouth will aggravate you and make you cringe and hate my existence

Have you ever felt a potential love for someone?

Like, you don’t actually love them and you know you don’t, but you know you could. You realise that you could easily fall in love with them. It’s almost like the bud of a flower, ready to blossom but it’s just not quite there yet. And you like them a lot, you really do. You think about them often, but you don’t love them. You could, though. You know you could.

"Meagan has a boyfriend," I said, and looked at her. She asked if I was serious and if so, who? I explained to her. Shizuo. 

"He wasn't that attractive." She kept repeating the word 'ew'. 

I never got a look at the guy, I didn't care about him. In all honesty I hated him. I hated how she kept talking about him. I wouldn't keep with them because I hated him, and her. 

"He's 22. And her mother supports it and everything." 

She kept looking at me to see if I was sad. I stared off into the distance. She asked if it was the same guy they gave food to. I said, "My sausage and biscuit." She said yeah, he ate it, too. And then she kept talking about food at the con. She changed the subject to food. I was grateful. 

We were in the truck, I was in the back. He and she were in the front. It was quiet. I kept thinking about how he didn't care for us anymore now that the little one had come around and I wished I could bring it up. We got to talking about friends somehow. She and I. I told her I didn't know if I even had a best friend because all my friendships are shallow. "No one cares about me as much as I care about them," I told her. He laughed and told me to quit it. He always laughs at words that come from my heart. I now focused my attention on him, I said I was serious. "I'm serious." I took a breath. "And I'm starting to feel that way about you, too, Paul. You only come to see Bella now." He burst into laughter. Again, at my serious words. He said he didn't text the little one every day and kept laughing. I considered telling him it was probably because she was three years old and didn't have a cell phone but kept my mouth shut. The subject was dropped. I thought a lot about my relationships and the city around me. I cried two tears and I hated myself as I did so and the span of the entire day afterwards. My heart hasn't been the same since the realization that everyone leaves me for another. 

"The Story So Far?" She asked. "How are they?"

"Good. You wouldn't like them," was my reply. I didn't want her to start liking them because it was a thing that I liked and wanted to keep to myself. 

"Do you really think I wouldn't like them or do you just not want me to listen to them?"

"I really don't think you'd like them," I lied. She would. 

No one else was listening.  

Just a moment later, she burst, "19 downloaded." 

Insert curse here. No, stop, you can't like the music I like! Stop it. Quit!

I called her out on it. "Seriously?"

Everybody at my table looked at me. They tried to force an answer out of me as to why I was upset with her. I finally explained that she wanted to start listening to a band I liked and I didn't want her to. 

The table erupted.

"Wow."

"I can't believe she just said that."

"If anything you should be happy she wants to like what you like."

"Selfish."

"You're being rude."

Yeah, maybe. Maybe I am but, the table bombarded me with insults and continued to do so. I was hurt and no one understood and I felt my heart sink and I started shaking. Everyone looked at me. I sank in my seat. I tried to hide my face with my hair as they hurled their insults. "Never mind," was all I remember saying. "Never mind." That's all I could say but they didn't stop looking at me. I exploded, too. "Stop looking at me," I shouted to him, "Stop looking at me!" And I didn't raise my gaze towards anyone else. I didn't look at anything. My gaze was fixed on the table. And it stayed there. 

A Nightmare.

I was outside watching some kids play

Samantha was too, she went in to go to the bathroom, a man followed. 

I wearily followed them in, after a while, 

It wasn't right, he was dirty. 

I looked but didn't see either of them. 

Straight ahead the bathroom door stood firm and tall. I listened in, he and she were talking. 

The door flung open by my own doings. I told him to get out of my house. 

He walked past, I saw something in his hand, silver, it was a pistol, I screamed. 

I burst into my grandma's room and shout at her to wake, 

I jump on the bed and shake her. 

She doesn't budge, he laughs.

Is she alive? 

I shake her,

Wake, I scream, she is still. Wake! God damn it, wake up! 

She opens her eyes and I tell her there is a man trying to touch us and hurt us

He is a nasty man and I am afraid. 

She sits up, looks at him, I knew there was something wrong when you girls went outside,

I scream at her to get up, she can't, 

I run into another room. He and Samantha follow, beat me there. 

He is sitting on a bench, she is right beside him, she is comfortable. I yell at her, save me, save me, help me!

He pulls me into his lap and I scream, I straddle him, I reach for Samantha. 

She says sorry, she isn't dealing with this, she opens the door and slips out. 

She slams the door shut. 

August 12, 2013.

I sent her another reluctant message. 

She picked up her phone. 

I, hopeless. 

She put her phone down. Picked it up again when she got another buzz, not from me. 

I messaged the other, she replied, said she's picked up and put down then phone, there was food, she was gone. 

I was tired.

My own food sought after me. I dropped my journal and leapt to the fridge. It was what she'd made. 

The day before she'd stopped responding. 

Would I ever speak to her again?, sadness wrenched my gut. 

Sadness twisted my gut. 

I was sat on the toilet. Feeling achey but what from? Sick per usual. A pinch resided beneath a rib, didn't leave, didn't retreat, couldn't stretch it out, couldn't feel my lungs, couldn't feel any--

A buzz. 

It was her. It was her!

But it wasn't her, it never was. 

It never was. 

A conversation regarding the mother shook me, felt wrenched from the inside out, tears filled eyes but didn't escape, I was by myself. 

No buzz. 

Only the sound of an infant. 

Was it her? The infant. Where was it coming from?

Perhaps my tulpa. It hadn't developed well enough. 

Virtual deity, it wasn't tulpa, I cried, nothing happened. Pages were blank, one half filled, nothing to say, no one to say it to. 

No one to say it to.