do you ever think you’re special to someone but then you see this person acting the same with everyone else and you just kind of 

oh

alright

i ate a whole pizza

we coo

you have taught us peril in the present,

and you will bring us peril in our surely soon will be. 

unless...

the river's not flooded this time. 

i do not need this to happen, i am not resigned to this. 

my dear i hear your voice in mine

i've been alone here

i've been alone here

i've been afraid my dear 

i've been at home here

i've been at home here

you better wait for years, you better wait for years 

i breathe your name into the air,

i etched your name into me

i felt my anger swelling

i swam it to its sea

i held your name inside my heart but it got buried in my fear 

it tore the wiring of my brain, i did my best to keep it clear

so dear no matter how we part,

i hold you sweetly in my head. 

and if i do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead. 

if i can't love you as a lover, i will love you as a friend.

i will lay a bed before you, keep you safe until the end. 

fuck this is NOT happening 

no no no no please don't get mad at me for pointing out the fact that you always treat me like i'm dumb. don't snap because i'm trying to tell you a thing that's bothering me. and yeah, we do a lot together but it's so hard to call you my friend when you've never had any regards for my feelings. 

I didn't want to smoke today. I didn't think we'd have time to cut it. Five hours? No, that wouldn't be enough time. They'd smell it on me. My aunt would call while I was slammed and she'd catch me. 

I told him all that and that I was gonna cough and embarrass myself. He pulled into a funeral home parking lot, between two other vehicles. He rolled up the windows. I refused to smoke. I told him he could but I wouldn't. I didn't want to, I wanted to be responsible, but then he said, "C'mon, please?" And I, put on the spot, said, "Fine..." He said it was called AK. I'd looked it up earlier and it was a decent mix of indica and satvia. 

Then he suddenly seemed real mad and said he didn't have a lighter. Lucky me, I happened to have three. I gave him the big green bic and said he could keep it, I had more. He said, "Hot dog, Desti-chu, thanks."

He asked if I preferred the green hit, and I wanted it but I didn't want to do it first (which defeats the purpose), and told him I didn't care and that I forgot how anyway. He explained it to me like I was five; "You put the piece to your mouth. You hold your finger over the carb. You light the green, and suck in. Then keep finishing the hit after you let go of the carb and take in an extra breath to push it all in." 

"Don't tell it to me like I'm a baby," I said. 

Then I took a simple first hit, and I made him look away. He kept asking if he needed to light it for me and control the carb. I said no. I didn't inhale well enough. It didn't count, I held it in my mouth and it didn't go past my throat. I blew out the smoke regardless and passed him the pipe. 

He took his hit, and I watched, and he looked good while he did it. Pretty fabulous. But I did notice that his smoke wasn't too thick or milky. He wasn't taking huge hits like she had. 

He passed me the pipe and lighter after not too long. 

I took my second hit, this time better this time, and followed with a quick breath of fresh air. Then I held it in and sighed it all out though my nose. A billow of white smoke and then a little swirly shit following. That was when I passed it to him, he looked and saw all the smoke, and said, "Daaaang, Desti-chu," and was laughing at how he didn't believe how big my hit was and how I handled it so well. I had to cough a little and was embarrassed but I couldn't hold it in. 

He took the pipe back and I was still coughing occasionally, little baby coughs.  He kept asking if I was okay. I said sure.

He took his hit and passed it back. The bowl was almost cashed, but there seemed to be some good green underneath the char. I didn't know, I hadn't smoked a lot. I started burning the other side, the side that was farther away than my convenience, and watched the smoke fill the pipe as I inhaled. I thought this was a lot of smoke in there, I was worried slightly. Then I let go of the carb to clear the chamber and inhaled all that was left. I forced it in further and that is when I started to regret it. 

Immediately I began choking. It kept getting worse. He freaked out, put a hand on my shoulder and made sure I was okay. I almost puked. You could hear it. He could hear it, too. It bubbled in my throat. I kept it down but couldn't stop coughing. He got a brown paper sack and put it beside me with a water bottle and said he promised he wouldn't look if I needed to use the bag. It was a disaster. So embarrassing. I kept coughing, I felt miserable, this was the worst--

But wait. As I stared ahead and tried to set myself straight, I noticed the light through the bamboo trees in front of us was golden and sparkling. They kept moving ever so beautifully. I turned my head to look around and saw the reflection of papers in the window. I was confused as to why they were so distinct and why they were moving along with my vision. It was like, when you rub your eyes too hard and then you see weird sparkles and bright lights. I couldn't say anything, I had a lot of things that I wanted to say but I couldn't get it out. I was baffled. He kept saying things and I kept telling him I understood. But I didn't. 

I remember, in a haze, him driving out of the parking lot. Everything was moving in frames. Slow frames. It was like I was in a flip book animation. The sounds were consistent but I still didn't really understand what he was saying. He kept throwing out stoner party etiquette points while I was lost in looking out the window and. I listened but couldn't put two and two together. "I understand," I said. He didn't realize that I was so not there. 

Then we were suddenly at Sonic, and we pulled into the thing and I remember him asking what I wanted, and I looked straight ahead at the sign in front of us (it was an ad for 'expertly mixed drinks') and I told him I wanted an "expertly mixed drink." 

"Watermelon?" He asked.

I nodded blankly. My cottonmouth was kicking in horribly. It was a real long time before they brought our food. Some french fries with a crap ton of honey mustard, his bacon chocolate shake, and my watermelon slush. He made me try his even though I kept saying it sounded gross. And it was decent. I let him try my slush and he loved it. Well I did too. It was juicy and the flavor exploded in my mouth and it was great. He and I split the fries and they were yummy - but they didn't compare to the slushie. 

We were eating, then he got a phone call. He answered it and when he got off he kept apologizing and said he had to go into work. Naturally I was freaking out, I was high as fuck and certainly couldn't go home right now. So he said I could hang at his work in the front with the other guy. And I love the other guy so I was chill with that. I don't remember the drive there but I remember spraying myself down with perfume before we walked in. I went in and said hi to gay boy at the counter, he could tell I was really stoned. "I knew what you guys were doing as soon as you dropped me off," he said. I couldn't concentrate. 

Then she came in and was talking to me and said she was happy I was here and I hugged her. I kept trying to communicate with her, I don't remember what we had said but I know I couldn't get out a lot of words. She went back inside and then the asian came out and was talking to me. By then I was sitting on the bench inside and so we talked, my slush was half gone. They all had to go back to work and strangers were talking to me. I had to keep myself controlled and did a decent job of it while talking to them, but my eyes were fairly bloodshot, and droopy. I was slow to respond. 

The munchies were kicking in again, and I looked at the menu and the first thing that drew my attention was fried pickles. I asked her if I could buy some and she said she could just give them to me, I didn't have to pay. It wasn't too long until she brought them out to me. I'd forgotten they were even coming in the first place. She gave them to me but I couldn't figure out how to hold it all and so gay boy and I went outside and sat at a table and I was eating them and he was playing on his phone. 

Asian came out not long after, and was clocking out for her break. Gay boy already had. So we were all sitting there and chilling, she came out not long after as well and we were talking about her past two days and how they sucked because of her grandparents. 

Everything was pretty decent now, I felt fine, just extraordinarily tired and drained. We chilled in the smoking area with everyone that was off currently and were waiting for him to come out. I had gay boy run and check up and see when he was clocking out, and he turned out to be doing that now. Gay boy brought out my stuff. I said g'bye to all of the others and hugged her and petted the asian's hair, and then he took me into his truck. 

He kept apologizing and said he was sorry our day of fun got ruined by work and I said it was no problem, I still had fun with him. We went and picked up $200 out of the ATM, he was about to go pick up some more pot from a source that Salma had. 

He dropped me off at home first, and I went straight to my room and had the best nap I'd ever had. 

I’M ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE PERSON IM JUST USED TO BEING WALKED ALL OVER AND DISRESPECTED SO SOMETIMES I COME OFF AS MEAN BUT I JUST CANT LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND I HAD TO GROW UP REALLY FAST OK BUT I PROMISE I HAVE A GOOD HEART AND GOOD INTENTIONS AND I DONT WANT TO EVER HURT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS BUT SOMETIMES I JSUT HAVE TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND AND MAKE SURE I DONT GET HURT IM SORR YI LOVE EVERYONE

imagine living like a king someday,

a single night without a ghost in the walls. 

have you ever loved a lyric so much that when you hear it feels like your heart is trying to burst out of your body

my original plan was to pass her and get her attention and say "fuck you." i planned exactly how it'd go and the tone i'd say it in. 

i couldn't follow through, i had to be the bigger person. 

(November 10, 2013)

There were several of us sat in a circle in a body of water. I didn't like most of the people in the circle and I was keeping to myself, on my laptop or something. Then Meagan's boyfriend comes around to each of us, me first, and puts his face close to mine and touches his cheek to mine. Then he does it to the other people. Meagan is last. When he gets to Meagan, he kisses her, and they kiss wildly and don't stop for a long time. I am disgusted and look at my laptop - I'm on facebook and she had just posted a status that describes the wonders of being kissed, something about spit. Then it says something about how he showed her what it was like to be kissed for the first time and all I could think was, "What about me? What was I good for?"

late update: she was there. i saw her. we hugged and giggled. by the way, i got a gram of og kush. saturday night should be fun.