Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A Nightmare.

I was outside watching some kids play
Samantha was too, she went in to go to the bathroom, a man followed. 
I wearily followed them in, after a while, 
It wasn't right, he was dirty. 
I looked but didn't see either of them. 
Straight ahead the bathroom door stood firm and tall. I listened in, he and she were talking. 
The door flung open by my own doings. I told him to get out of my house. 
He walked past, I saw something in his hand, silver, it was a pistol, I screamed. 
I burst into my grandma's room and shout at her to wake, 
I jump on the bed and shake her. 
She doesn't budge, he laughs.
Is she alive? 
I shake her,
Wake, I scream, she is still. Wake! God damn it, wake up! 
She opens her eyes and I tell her there is a man trying to touch us and hurt us
He is a nasty man and I am afraid. 
She sits up, looks at him, I knew there was something wrong when you girls went outside,
I scream at her to get up, she can't, 
I run into another room. He and Samantha follow, beat me there. 
He is sitting on a bench, she is right beside him, she is comfortable. I yell at her, save me, save me, help me!
He pulls me into his lap and I scream, I straddle him, I reach for Samantha. 
She says sorry, she isn't dealing with this, she opens the door and slips out. 
She slams the door shut. 

August 12, 2013.

I sent her another reluctant message. 
She picked up her phone. 
I, hopeless. 
She put her phone down. Picked it up again when she got another buzz, not from me. 
I messaged the other, she replied, said she's picked up and put down then phone, there was food, she was gone. 
I was tired.
My own food sought after me. I dropped my journal and leapt to the fridge. It was what she'd made. 
The day before she'd stopped responding. 
Would I ever speak to her again?, sadness wrenched my gut. 
Sadness twisted my gut. 
I was sat on the toilet. Feeling achey but what from? Sick per usual. A pinch resided beneath a rib, didn't leave, didn't retreat, couldn't stretch it out, couldn't feel my lungs, couldn't feel any--
A buzz. 
It was her. It was her!
But it wasn't her, it never was. 
It never was. 
A conversation regarding the mother shook me, felt wrenched from the inside out, tears filled eyes but didn't escape, I was by myself. 
No buzz. 
Only the sound of an infant. 
Was it her? The infant. Where was it coming from?
Perhaps my tulpa. It hadn't developed well enough. 
Virtual deity, it wasn't tulpa, I cried, nothing happened. Pages were blank, one half filled, nothing to say, no one to say it to. 
No one to say it to.